No Air
by contentment is beautiful
Summary: But how do you expect me to live alone with just me? Cause my world revolves around you, it's so hard for me to breathe...What if everything about Palex is backwards? What if Paige is a closeted lesbian struggling with her sexual identity and meets Alex?
1. Caring Is Creepy

**I think I'll go and mull this over**

**Before I cram it down my throat**

**At long last it's crashed, this colossal mass**

**Has broken up to bits in my moat.**

"Come on, Paige, you have to get your outlet some way or another." Marco explained to me as we waited for Hazel return from her way too long bathroom break in the hectic environment of the Toronto mall. But, God, does he HAVE to say that out LOUD?

"Marco, seriously, stop it. You know how I feel about you talking like…_that_ in public." I say uncomfortably. He looks at me all concerned like and I immediately want to punch him. I don't tell people this for a reason!

"But Paige, honey, you need to start accepting the fact that you're a-"

"A NOTHING!" He almost said it! Not only is he not allowed to even so much as mention it, but he almost said it out loud in public where anyone could hear us! Oh shit, it's getting panicky in my lungs. Breathe, Paige, he didn't say it, it's still a secret.

"Paige? Paige, come ON! I know it's scary, but I thought this whole denial thing was just a month or so phase, not a permanent resident in that foggy head of yours." Marco stated, completely ignoring my counting to 10 and labored breathing. Hazel strolled up and with one look at me knew exactly what was going on.

"You mentioned vaginas again, didn't you?" She asked bluntly in Marco's direction. Oh my God! How do my friends think this is ok to say!?

"HAZEL! GOD! SHUT UP!" I scream in a whisper looking around frantically to make sure nobody heard. She just rolled her eyes at me and tapped her foot impatiently with her arms folded in front of her chest.

"So are we done getting you job applications for the day? Can we go have some FUN in the mall now?" Hmm, I just noticed Marco had his arm around me. When did that happen? I tried swallowing what little saliva there was in my unnaturally dry mouth as I stood up.

"Yeah, just one more, but it's at the movie theatre." Hazel's eyes unexpectedly shot up in excitement at this.

"Oh, that would be so awesome! You could, like, get me and my dates free movies!" Marco and I shared a look of amusement at our friend's self-centered mind as we walked in the general direction of the built in movie theatre. As we rode up the elevator I had tuned out Marco and Hazel's giggling at an apparent hottie in front of them. I focused, like I had so many times, on imaging the two of us in a heated embrace, and me more than enjoying it. I closed my eyes briefly, rubbed my lips together, even went as far as to day dream moans of passion in my mind. But as usual, it did nothing but bore me, and much to my horror the male groaning quickly turned to a faceless female's whimper. "No, no, no, no, no!!" I repeated in my head, shaking it lightly trying to get it out of my head. But the vision continued and now there were mental images in my mind. A woman's soft touch and sweet lips trailing lower and lower down my body. Mmm…

"Paige?...Paiiiiige??...PAIGE!" Marco shoved me slightly right when it was getting really good and I flushed in horror. He smiled slyly at me annoyingly reading my gutter-mind.

"Oh? Sorry, did I interrupt?" I lightly slapped his arm and then went ahead and locked it with mine as we usually did with Hazel on his other side. It helped that we were all the same height. As we strutted to the ticket box, I asked the boy briefly where I could find an application.

"Just go on through and go straight to the concession stand and ask for Alex, she'll be able to help you out. Here I'll give you these used ticket stubs in case anyone asks." He replied with a wink my way. It'd be incredibly wonderful to say I felt the plastic sexy smile I returned, but of course I didn't. Marco seemed to see the disappointment etched into the best friend invisible lines on my face and nudged me slightly. I looked at him feigning innocence.

"What?" I asked curiously.

"You…you don't have to do that, you know. Even straight girls aren't always flattered by flirting."

"Wrong. Always flattered."

"Hazel, with you, even Paige could flirt with you and you'd be thoroughly enjoying the attention."

Hazel shrugged a bit with no argument. At this point I'm too exhausted to fight back with the obviousness of my hidden sexuality in this conversation. With the way this day has turned out, I can't wait to get home and snuggle up in my bed listening to music and doing the perfect combo of sudoku and crossword.

"Hey, Paige, she's kind of cute." Marco whispered to me as he leaned into me causing Hazel to stumble a little.

"Umm…yeah, in an angry kind of way." Hazel said with a strange look on her face. She never minded saying her opinion of other girls whenever Marco tried to point one out to me. She was the realistic to his idealistic views. I looked at the concession stand we were nearing with every step and only saw the back of, what I could tell, a relatively attractive girl. Slim body, tanned skin, and deep brown hair. She looked as though she was filling someone's drinks, but there were no customers as far as I could see. She next moved to the nacho cheese dispenser. The three of us reached the concession line or lack-thereof, but the girl seemed not to notice us. Just at that moment another girl came walking out whom I recognized instantly. Her name was Amy and she was just all over "eww". I stole a quick glance out of my peripheral vision at Marco and Hazel and when I did, it was hard to suppress the giggle quickly rising to my throat. Marco's small grin seemed incredibly strained and Hazel unapologetically grimaced. Amy pretended not to notice us right away and ran a provoking hand down the back of the mystery girl at the orange and silver pump. She jumped slightly but ignored the attempted intimacy. Amy finally looked at us with an exasperated sigh and slumped onto the counter across from us.

"What can I get you?" She asked as she rolled her eyes. Before Hazel could come up with an insulting comment, I jumped in.

"Hey Amy, I'm just in need of a job application and the guy at the front told me to come here and ask for…umm, Alex I think? Right you guys?" I asked somewhat insecure for some reason, looking to my left for my friend's confirmation. Both nodded in my direction and I sighed out of relief.

"I'm Alex. What did you say you needed?" My gaze returned to the counter and next to Amy was the girl Marco and Hazel had been talking about. They were right, she was cute, but I didn't see anger in her like Hazel apparently had. She had slightly pointed features and a stare that demanded my knees to give out and my stomach to jump into my throat. I could hear myself stammering, but it was like I couldn't control myself.

"Umm…I, uh…I…umm…" How embarrassing! But Alex seemed to be enjoying the reaction she was getting out of me. Even Amy was—OH SHIT! AMY! She goes to my school! If she saw this she could guess that I'm…I'm…ugh! NO! I pinched my side to try and focus on the situation and shook my head slightly while forcing myself to have better posture and show the Paige I showed the rest of the world.

"I'm Paige Michalchuk and I'd like to work here, so I'm in need of a job application, please." I said while sticking out my hand to her. Of course I'm completely aware that my palm is sweating and scared shitless on the inside of what I will or won't feel when her hand takes mine, but I have a reputation to uphold. And while every pair of eyes within a 5 foot radius of my body are boring into me, I must hold on to my composure. She held a white towel in her hands and had been fidgeting with it throughout the small conversation. She smiled slowly at me and I felt my heart skip a few beats.

"I know who you are, Paige. I'm Alex Nunez. Hey Marco. Hazel." She said while working her hand gently into my own and shaking it. An impossible tingly, warm, scary sensation flooded through me and I unashamedly smiled widely at her, hardly caring in that millisecond who saw me…wait a second, she knows me?! Hazel? MARCO??

"Hey, Alex." They both said with smiles, Hazel going so far as to give a slight wave and head tilt. Alex noticed my confused expression and laughed lightly. Wow, she was REALLY cute. No, stop it, Paige! Stop it!! This is strictly business and you are STRAIGHT. Straight straight straight straight…

She put her hand over mine and leaned in a bit. I shivered ever so slightly, hoping no one noticed. What the hell did this girl do to me?

"I go to your school, princess." She said. I cast a quick glance at Amy who seemed completely irate. Oh, shit, if she gets the wrong idea…er, the right idea, then all hell could break loose! Jesus, this hiding thing gets harder every day. Regrettably I removed my hand swiftly out from under Alex's hand, leaving her a bit confused and Amy with a small smirk. Marco was shooting me an angry parent type of look, but I can not handle his concerned act right now.

"Sorry hun, I had no idea. Are you new?" Apparently I struck a nerve, because Alex looked down somewhat sadly.

"Uh, no. I was last year though." She said fumbling with that white towel again. Amy's smile was huge now as she thrust a few stapled sheets of paper into my arms.

"Here ya go, skank. Have a nice day! Luck getting a job here with Alex and I as the hiring employees." Alex shot Amy an annoyed look as I gulped down the lump in my throat. I wanted so badly to flirt with her back, to smile and giggle like my body so badly wanted to. But of course, I'm Paige Michalchuk, and to succumb to those feelings meant complete and total failure. So I stared patiently waiting for Alex to say what was on her mind before dismissing myself and my friends from the theatre.

"You know what? Come in tomorrow if you can. How does 2pm sound to you, Paige?" Alex said, trying one last time to stare into my eyes. Amy turned around in a huff and fled to what I guessed was the staff room. Marco and Hazel had separated a bit a few seconds earlier figuring they'd give Alex and I our privacy. They could be really great in an annoying best friend way. From what I could tell they were playing some hand game like Ms. Merry Mack or something equally childish and laughing at every mess up. I smiled and zoned a bit before I heard Alex clear her throat. I jumped and looked back at her while slapping a hand to my forehead.

"Oh, God, sorry Alex! I'm such a klutz sometimes. Did you say something? I'm really, really sorry. I just get kind of spacey whenever I get overwhelmed or nervous or paranoid or…shit and now I'm rambling and making a complete idiot out of myself." I muttered the last part in complete embarrassment. She laughed a little I guess hearing my ending.

"All I said was how does 2pm tomorrow sound to you for an interview?" She asked with an air of confidence that seemed to deflate any of my own I could muster. Under her gaze there was something intense, something I wished to go away and never stop all at once. What am I talking about? I only just met her and I'm already overreacting. Jesus, Paige, get a hold of yourself! Without thinking I replied, "Wait, don't we have school?" She raised an eyebrow and laughed a little.

"Umm, do you have some type of detention or something?" Huh?

"What? No! I thought you said you KNEW who I was. I never get detentions!" I retorted nearly on the brink of offense. She raised her hands in sarcastic surrender.

"Chill out! I'm only saying that because tomorrow's Saturday." Oh God. I feel sick to my stomach. How many times have I embarrassed myself in front of this girl today? This has got to be a record of mine.

"Oh, God. I feel really stupid now. I'm sorry I got so defensive." She laughed courteously and shrugged, fumbling with that white towel again.

"It's no problem." She responded as she smiled at me. Feeling awkward at how badly I wanted to watch her smile at me, I pretended to pull off my discomfort as her fault.

"Umm, right, so I'll see you here tomorrow at 2?" I asked trying to break the silence. She gave a sad side smile my way and nodded, slowly walking backwards towards the same door Amy had exited minutes earlier.

"Yeah, you will. I'll be working concession again, so just flash that filled out application tomorrow to the guys working the ticket booth and they'll let you back no questions asked." Her hand rested on the doorknob while she looked down at the floor shuffling her feet. If I didn't know any better, I'd say I was making her a bit self conscious and the come ons I thought I had imagined were actually real…which would mean she might be interested in me…I mean NOT that I'm interested in her! Just nevermind. I'm not interested in anything but men. Yep. Men. I like men.

"Bye." She said looking up shyly at me. Wow I really wish that wasn't as adorable as it really was. I had no choice but to smile unabashedly back at her.

"Bye Hun." Her smile turned a bit more confident as she turned and disappeared into the back room. Woops…I just noticed how fast my heart's been beating this whole time. This is so ridiculous! One girl should not have this kind of effect on me, especially not just by talking to me! Scratch that, no girl in GENERAL should have ANY effect on me! "Just ignore it, Paige. She'll only be your boss, or whatever she is here." I turned looking back towards Hazel and Marco, who were over dramatically pretending to be Alex and I moments earlier by batting their eyelashes and silently giggling. In a huff of anger and amusement I walked over and grabbed both of them by their shirt collars.

"You two are impossible." I said as they laughed thinking they were the most hilarious teens in Canada.

* * *

After coming home and curling up in bed like I had so intently longed for earlier I began thinking about today's events at the movie theatre in the mall. Alex…she went to my school? Why hadn't I known her before? And how did she know Marco and Hazel? They both said she was in our first period, but I swear I've never seen her before. They said she sits at the back of the class or something. Still, I would have remembered that face. She's…

Ok, I'm in the security of my own head all by myself, aren't I? So I can be honest with myself for a second, right?

She's so gorgeous! She's beautiful and adorable and has this incredible, sexy body. I can't stop thinking about her. I'm so incredibly anxious about tomorrow. What should I wear? Is she going to be the one interviewing me? I hope so. I don't think I'd be comfortable being in a room alone with Amy, no matter what the circumstances. Alex…Nunez. Is that Latin? She did have tan skin. It looked really, really soft…

Gulping slightly and subconsciously looking around my room, I closed my eyes and pictured this girl who invaded my thoughts. I saw her kissing my lips, my neck, my chest; every speck of exposed skin on my body. The lower most part of my torso burned with desire and sent occasional flames to lick their way up to my occasional tingling lips begging to collide with another pair. The longer I day dreamed, the hungrier I became for her. For Alex. And the more conscious I became of the situation the scarier it became and the less the passion scratched at my stomach. Finally I shook myself of my thoughts and I prayed for undisturbed sleep as I drifted off slowly into the night.


	2. Secret Heart

**Secret Heart, what are you made of?**

**What are you so afraid of?**

**Could it be three simple words,**

**Or the fear of being overheard?**

**What's wrong?**

It'd be really awesome to say that I'm not nervous right now. It'd be even more awesome if I wasn't completely drained because of the excessive hair styling of Marco Del Rossi. It'd be even MORE awesome to say that I like boys. Gosh, WHY do I always have to say stuff like that in my head?...Why do I always have inner dialogue in my head?...Wait a second, is this normal? Should I get checked out?

"Hey Paige, ready for that interview I presume?" Speaking of checking out.

"Hey Alex. Yeah Hun, so ready." I said with a smile as she led me to that oh so infamous room from yesterday. It was nothing special, but it was more than I expected. The walls were painted that butter popcorn yellow and they went so far as to have a white picnic table set with an oddly misshapen couch thrown to the side of the far left wall. Alex seemed to be going back and forth in her mind about where we should sit when I decided to make up her mind for her. I was in no hurry to sit on a couch with her. Are you kidding? I'm having enough trouble as it is keeping my eyes locked with hers for longer than five seconds. She should really zip that ugly uniform up higher.

She took a moment to read over the 110 finished application I had handed her. She chuckled lightly as she skimmed over it and it made me wonder what was so funny. I decided it was best to ignore it, though. I took that moment to really look anywhere but at her, so I fumbled with my phone at my side checking for the umpteenth time that it was on silent. "1 new message" showed up and I pressed the center button reading "Wipe the drool off your chin!" Ah, Marco. I kept the eye roll to myself when another new message popped up. I opened it and smiled at the additional sentence. "PS: Hazel thinks you're sexy, but only when you have goldfish and coke to give her. She wrote the ending". My friends are so dumb. I snapped my phone shut as quietly as possible and looked up to see Alex smirking at me.

"Oh, sorry! Hi." I said nervously in response to her stare. She laughed lightly and held up the application next to her face for me to see with an amused smile.

"Pink writing?" What? What's wrong with that?

"Yeah…?" She nodded while slowly scooting back her seat causing it to grotesquely squeak in response. I scrunched up my face in disapproval of the sound and noticed Alex eyeing me as she slowly moved around me while practically undressing me with her eyes.

"Umm, is this standard procedure or something?" I asked thoroughly confused. This is so not even hot, this is just weird. She's not even looking like she's turned on, that's why. It's as if she's more like analyzing then removing clothes with her aleX-Ray vision. She laughed and leaned against the table slightly only about a foot away from my right side.

"Pink writing, pink necklace, pink jacket, pink shoes, and pink bag. What are you, obsessed with the colour?" Well isn't she rude!

"Was that rotation thing really necessary? Are you some type of human form of a vulture? 'Cause I'm alive and kicking, I'll have you know…in PINK pumps." I finished the end with a slight amount of arrogance. It just so happens pink is the official Paige colour. She keeps saying she knows me but honestly, who DOESN'T know this bit of information?

"So," she says breaking the not so tense silence as she leaned forward while flipping back and forth through my application, "you've had a job similar to this before?" I've noticed she always has to be fidgeting or doing something. She's pacing the room slowly in a business-like way and I automatically feel more relaxed. She's not a piece of attractive meat, she's an interviewer for a job I want. Plain and simple. Now, dazzle her with that dashing smile you stow away for people that need impressing and annoyingly flirtatious jocks.

"Right. I worked for my Mom a bit over the summer last year. She has this huge company, right? So she was all like, 'Paige. Work. Concession. Minimum wage.' And I was like, 'Sure Mom, I'd love to spend my summer vacation serving your uptight business partners lattes and skittles.'" …Wow. Did I really just say that? She looked at me with a side smile realizing that I was uncomfortable with my response.

"I mean, yes, I've worked a concession before." Big smile. She's looking at me confused and shakes her head at me. Can she see through me? Can she really tell that the smile she just witnessed was totally and completely fake? It always feels the same. Heavy on my cheeks and like my teeth are made of shiny plastic. People ALWAYS fall for it. Why was she reacting so strangely to it?

"Hmm, your hours seem to be typical of a high school student's. You and I have more or less the same ones, so if you start you'll mostly be working with either me or Amy." I prayed for the first of the two as I nodded with a small polite smile stuck on my face awaiting her approval. She kept flipping and flipping making an apparent show of studying my writing. After a few more minutes of standard procedure questions she finally set down the stack of papers with a flourish and smiled at me.

"Congratulations, Paige. You're hired!" I squealed and clapped like I always do whenever I'm childishly excited about getting my way and held out my hand to shake again.

"Thank you so much, Alex! I'm so in need of a job." She laughed at my display and slid her hand into my own. That same tingly warm sensation spread through me as I became only mildly aware of her mouth moving.

"No problem, Paige. Come over here, we'll sort out a work schedule." Oh, had she released my hand? How much time has passed? This is so embarrassing, I can hardly remember a thing of what just happened in God knows how much time.

"Do you do that often?"

"Huh?" I turn on her realizing she's at the couch looking expectantly at me.

"Get glossy eyes and goosebumps whenever you shake someone's hand?" And cue the fuchsia cheeks. This girl is not going to be easy on me, is she? I'm getting more confident around her and shrug slightly, trying my best to look as if I didn't know what she was talking about.

"No, Hun, I've just been in a bit of a funk these past couple of days. No biggie." She laughed slightly in disbelief.

"So it causes you to have a fever then too, huh? Because from where I'm standing every time I point something out to you your body likes to respond in the blushing variety. Or maybe you're just flushed?" Tease. Whatever, I roll my eyes unwilling to play her little game. I made a pact with myself long ago to never give in to pretty eyes and playful tones. It only causes trouble.

"Ok you got me, a slight virus might be in order. But I'll be able bodied and ready to work on," I peered over slightly to see the schedule she'd been writing up for me, "Monday at 6." Easy as pie. Why do I always get whatever I want?

"You might have to work with Amy that day…"

Except for having to destroy my brain cells with that waste of paint.

"…because my boyfriend is having some type of special race…"

And my current totally-not-a-crush's relationship status.

"…do you have one?"

And the unfortunate news of my hideous sexuality. Innocence, Paige. Innocence and charm.

"A race? Umm, no, can't say I'm into all of that near death experience in an over priced engine…" She laughed a little at that realizing my avoidance of the topic.

"No, silly, I meant a boyfriend. Do you have one?" Remember, Paige. On this question you don't make eye contact, you're cheeky, and your smile is very, very promising.

"Well no, too many things to do to have time to worry about a boy." Good. You're in a job atmosphere, she should appreciate the mature 'too busy for love' line. But one look at her tells me she doesn't buy it and has something else up her sleeve.

"Oh, so then, no girlfriend either?" AGH! Did she just say what I think she just said?! NO ONE has EVER asked me that before! She's on to me. Shit! I try my hardest not to register the shock on my face and laugh nervously trying to conceal my panic in a more snobbish way.

"What?! No, Hun, that's so not my thing. Girls are for friends, not for lovers." Hmm, that came out more convincing then I thought it would. She still doesn't look like she completely believes me, but she nods stiffly and hands me the times sheet. When I meet her eyes with my own I'm surprised to see, no, more like _feel_ the wall she's put up now.

"Yeah, so, Amy tomorrow, me the rest of the week. I know you two don't get along so I tried to make it the most comfortable for you both." Still staring slightly dumbstruck with my mouth slightly ajar I regained my composure and nodded like an idiot.

"Right, right. And thank you for that." Again with her stiff nods and feet shuffling.

"Right…so…I have to get back to work…" Oh, right! She needs me to leave. I immediately get the hint as I move to gather my stuff.

"Ok! Thank you so much again, Alex. I can't tell you how much this means to me." When I turned back around though, she had left without my even hearing her. Odd. Although a part of me ((the part I tried to shut up on a constant basis)) wanted to go find her and tell her I was interested in girls and thank her for noticing, the more, or maybe less, logistical side of me told me to just move on. Pretty and sweet as she was, Alex was now officially my co-worker which meant strictly business from now on. As I flipped my phone open I began laughing at the insane amount of profane and vulgar text messages I had received from my bests during the interview. Pressing down on my speed dial number 4, I waited patiently for that familiar friendly Italian voice to answer on the other line.

"Hey Marco! What? Hazel? WHAT?! No I didn't…I did not!...Ok yeah Hazel making out with a girl from our school sounds totally in character for me. Look…would you just shut up! You! Marco! Coming over! NOW!" With that I hung up with an eye roll as my ears still rung from Hazel and Marco's loud accusations.

* * *

"Ok, let me get this straight. Oh, I mean, gay! Haha! Get it? Let me get this _gay_? Because you're not _straight_?" Marco and I shot an unimpressed look at Hazel as she self-consciously laughed at her own lame attempt at a joke. She shook us off and continued her pacing in front of the television. It's true, my hands were itching to get back into the intense battle of Mario Kart Marco and I were having, but Hazel insisted on getting us to pause for a quick summary of the story. Apparently I was too distracted and she couldn't focus with all of the out cries of victory or loss.

"Anyways, so she was coming on to you-"

"I could have been imagini-"

"SO SHE WAS COMING ON TO YOU," Hazel re-interrupted, "and you totally, completely, 100 shot her down? EVEN after she asked if you had a GIRLfriend?!" Hmm, it did kind of sound stupid when she put it like that. Then again, she just doesn't understand. I hadn't gotten to the most important part yet.

"Hazel…"

"No! No 'Hazel'! As the token straight girl in this little tripod I have to ask, what the hell is wrong with you, Paige?! I'm strictly dick and even **I** think she's hott!" A type of jealous anger at Hazel thinking Alex was attractive flashed in my gut momentarily before I caught myself.

"Haze. She has a boyfriend." Both Marco and Hazel were now looking at me with…what, remorse? It was sympathy, really. But I didn't want it. I suddenly became infuriated at the entire situation.

"No, you guys, seriously! Do NOT give me that look! This whole thing was pointless. Your little plan of getting me to open up about my…my sexuality or whatever? It's not EVER going to happen! After…After…" My voice wavered a bit from all of the honesty built up in my mouth, confused of where it was and why it was suddenly leaving it's beaten corner in the back of my head.

"After that _one_ incident, I made a promise to myself and both of you were there. I will never, ever be in any type of romantic relationship with another girl ever again."

"But Paige…"

"No, Marco. It's over. Alex…Alex is just a girl I hardly know. Just a coworker. She's not and will not be anything more in my life, ok?" Both of my friends looked into their laps hopelessly. Whenever I got this way they knew there was no changing my mind. It was then I realized I had tired tears running cautiously down my cheeks. I wiped them away quietly and gave one loud sniff as I readjusted my position on the floor.

"Now Hazel, would you please be so kind as to move? It's time for Peach to kick Luigi's ass." I pretended not to notice Hazel and Marco's exchange of worried glances. She moved and we began to continue our game.

I felt it then, while I was speaking. I felt that wave of sorrow I tried so hard to block out. To most the fleeting relationship, if you can even call it that, wouldn't leave a scar. But it did for me. Every time her name was mentioned, every time anyone said anything involving her and her ex boyfriends, it killed me.

"_What we're doing Paige, it's…it's disgusting! It's not even REAL! When are you going to see we were just an experimental fling?"_

She was right. It does feel disgusting, but only when those vicious words are stuck to my subconscious. And we were nothing. She got over me so quickly, running into his arms immediately after. It should have been a lot of things it wasn't, and my romantic side wishes it could have been a lot of things it would've never been. My first love was more like my first loss. That empty feeling only grew hungrier and angrier as the months, and eventually years, passed by. I refused time and time again to indulge myself in a much needed flirt. Even fantasies were a dirty no-go in my mind. And even still, with all of this hidden pain and turmoil, I managed to pull through with a smile.

And Alex. Did she see? I presented that same smile for her. The one that says "Look at me, I'm the tip of the iceberg! But aren't I pretty? No need to go any deeper!" It was almost as though she saw that it was an act. An excruciating, weary act at that. Although every shield I had created was shaking in hostility at my next few thoughts, my heart finally got the best of me. It whispered, "Hey Paige, isn't she pretty? I think she likes you, I think you like her, and I'd love it if you'd get to know her better."

* * *

Authors Note: I'd like to announce that my little sister just performed a skit involving the two of our cats riding a rollercoaster thereby distracting me from updating this sooner. So in case you're upset with the time of the new chapter, it's all her fault (:

OH! And thanks for the reviews :D


	3. Monday, Monday, Monday

**Oh, and I  
I say damn your mood swings  
Damn your mood swings**

Have you ever met a soul that said, "Gee, I just LOVE Mondays!" Because I sure as hell haven't.

Monday does bring two things I'm looking forward to, though. As I'm walking to my first period class I become more and more anxious. I made sure to wear all pink today, just in case she can't spot me.

After a very lengthy, hilariously annoying Sunday of Marco and Hazel having way too much fun with a whip and handcuffs ((with absolutely no juicy details other than being held hostage and punished for my actions)) they had convinced me to at least let Alex in a teensy weensy bit and be as honest with her as possible. The really sarcastically great thing is the words "Paige" and "honest" haven't really flowed in the same sentence in a very long time, so I'm curious as to how this will turn out. Ha, yesterday was actually a lot of fun. I was able to show a real part of myself for once…

"_Hey Paige guess what?"_

"_Hey Marco you're going to free me?"_

"_Hey Paige no way!" _

"_Hey Hazel who asked you?"_

"_Hey!"_

"_Hey!"_

"_HEY!!"_

_The three of us burst into laughter at our ridiculous antics. Why does every set of best friends always think they're the best, the closest, the funniest and, D, all of the above?...But whatever we so are._

"_No, what I was going to tell you is that after a bit of extended research…"_

"_Oh God."_

"_Here we go."_

"…_AFTER a bit of extended research I retrieved a certain someone's number." My eyes lit up in excitement. Hazel and Marco grinned at me and each other as they noticed I was somehow magically warming up to the idea of possibly having a…crush on another girl._

"_Really? Do you seriously?" I asked, the hope completely evident in my voice. He laughed and nodded._

"_I'm going to dial it now and then as soon as she answers, we'll hang up, and just keep doing that until you're as red as you were last summer when we all went to the beach and you thought WOW what a GREAT time to put on baby oil and then you totally tripped over that one guy-"_

"_OK OK I get it, can we please call her now!?" Marco feigned confusion._

"_Her? I was going to call your super hott brother!" He giggled furiously as I rolled my eyes._

"_Oh, please, get over yourself. Just call her already!" He laughed as he and Hazel scooted closer to my torso where he decided to set the phone. As he put it on speaker I asked, "Hey you guys, can you take these off now?"_

"_NO!"_

"_Jesus! Alright, alright…" With each ring I became more and more fidgety. Since Marco's speaker phone was so loud it practically vibrated with each ring I couldn't suppress the giggles that were surfacing._

"_You guys, it tickles!"_

"_Hello?" A confused Alex answered. I made an audible squeak at the sound of her voice. Marco and Hazel were both silently laughing at my wriggling and spastic movements trying to turn off the phone since they obviously had no intention of doing it themselves. I knew I shouldn't have trusted those two!_

"_Hello? Who is this? What was that noise?" Rather loudly Hazel snorted and Marco burst out laughing. I was seriously freaking out. I had never been so determined in my life then I was right at that moment. One thing was certain: I had to close that phone._

"_Ok, well, mystery person, I'm hanging up now so-"_

"_NO!" Marco and Hazel shouted at the same time. OHHHH NO this is so not happening! She's going to figure out some way or another who this is. I somehow managed to maneuver my body so that I could do somewhat of a crunch, successfully closing the phone and ridding Alex of any more stalkerish phone calls…or so I thought._

"_Oh no you don't. We're calling back until you say you think she's hott!"_

"_NO!! Oh God, you're serious, aren't you? Shoot me now!"_

_It went on like this. "Paige has something to tell you." "Paige wants to tell you something." Paige, Paige, Paige! Until finally, after a successful hour of doing absolutely nothing even remotely productive, I finally gave in._

"_Ok ok fine!...umm, Alex?"_

"_Yes?" She just HAD to sound super sexy when she said that, didn't she?_

"_I umm…" Marco and Hazel nodded encouragingly at me. I sighed in defeat and sat up as far as my hand cuffs allowed me to._

"_I think you're hott." She giggled on the other end as I mouthed ferociously for Hazel to shut the phone. She did as she was told as they released me._

"_Well there was step one, Paige."_

Right. Step one.

It just so happens that's not the hardest one like they always say it is. It's the one way later on that creaks when you step on it. And then the one after that with holes in it. And the one after that and the one after that and so on and so forth. But I'm in an uncharacteristically careless mood today so I'll worry over all of that later.

As I turned the corner to the MI room, she was the first one I saw. Sitting at the back of the classroom ((like Hazel and Marco had said)) she was bending over a novel as random childish paper airplanes went whizzing past her gorgeous head.

At this point I'm in that really funny stage of a lesbian crush where you don't know much about the girl but, damn, you sure want to know every last little detail ((realistically speaking it lasts throughout the entire relationship)). But then there's the closeted side that's like, "Hey guess what? You're not allowed to like her!" So I think an accurate description of it all is…World War 3? As I neared the classroom Hazel came zipping out of the opening in the glass square and pulled me with her in the complete opposite direction.

"Hazel? We're going to be late for-"

"Less talking, more walking!" Sheesh, was she ever in a weird mood. She led us all the way outside and made a huge ordeal of panting and stretching.

"Umm…Hazel?" I heard the bell ring inside and she smiled widely stretching her arms to the sun that was causing me to wince.

"Isn't it a beautiful day? Come on, let's get to class!" She said as she practically skipped inside. Ok…that was extremely weird. But it's Hazel. You never know what you're getting yourself into with that girl.

As we neared the class I saw my usual seat next to Marco was taken by Alex's apparent boyfriend, Jay. Eww he looks even sleazier then Hazel tried to describe.

"_I'm sure some how in some way he's a very nice boy."_

"_Shut up Marco."_

We walked into class with the lot of them staring at us. Well, let's not lie, mostly at me. Paige is never late!

"Ms. Aden, Ms. Michalchuk, glad you two could join us. Please take your seats." Mr. Simpson said in a lenient tone. Before I could remember my seat was taken Hazel made a big ordeal of it filled dooly noted sarcasm and over exaggeration which only Marco, Alex, and I got of course.

"Oh gee, Mr. Simpson! Seeing as how perfect pretty Paige was late today, it looks like some one took her seat!"

"Yeah, for 10 bucks."

"Shut up!" She snapped at him in a harsh whisper quickly returning to her completely fake routine.

"I'm so sorry Paige! It looks like you'll have to sit all the way in the back today!" OH. _Now_ I get it! The only available seat was next to Alex who was meeting my eyes with a playful smirk…Ok, body, I get it—she's hott! Now if you could kindly stop responding like _that_ in broad daylight it would be greatly appreciated…

"…ahem…Paige?"

Mr. Simpson, along with the rest of the class, was staring at me expectantly. For some reason the yard's distance walk to Alex's location was more than just a few steps for me. It was like a decision in front of the entire class. Think, think, think! What should I do? Hazel walked up smiling at everyone and with one look at me rushed up with her face falling and her tone low and hurried, "Alex. Cute. In the back. Seat's for you. Now is THERE a PROBLEM I'm UNAWARE OF?" I took that moment to glance at Alex, sitting Indian style in her chair, hunched over a book and eyes boring into mine. If only she didn't remind me of someone with that smart bad ass feel she gave off.

"_Paige, you're beautiful. You really, really are."_

"_Thanks Hun, not so bad yourself."_

"_I thought you hated my style?"_

"_Oh yeah. Completely. You should just take all your clothes off right now to spare me."_

"_Mm, you'd like that, wouldn't you?"_

"No." I whispered as I stared at Alex with the rest of my class as my witness. Even Simpson was intrigued seeing as how he had done absolutely nothing to stop it. She tilted her head slightly, folding her book after bending a page and rested her elbows on her knees now giving me her full attention. There was a dare of concern in her eyes. A dare I couldn't meet. Swallowing hard I slowly looked around the class ((making sure to avoid Hazel's confused mutterings and Marco's eyebrows shoot up to his hairline)) and finally to Mr. Simpson.

"Sorry, sir. I, umm…" I looked back at Alex with her hair perfectly framing her face.

"_Just think! We'll live together in a really pretty mansion and have thousands of dozens of kids…"_

"_A thousand is a lot more than a dozen, Paige."_

"…_and a few pets and I know that smart ass and the whole gang can live next door to us in this completely immature sorority type house!"_

"_Oh yeah?"_

"_Yeah! Picture it: Marco and Dylan, Spinner and, oh I don't know, Terri? Hazel and Jimmy—all of the adorable coupl…Hun, are you ok?"_

"_What? Oh yeah, yeah. Fine."_

"_You sure?"_

"_Yeah. Just kiss me."_

I thought I was going to cry. She looked so beautiful, Alex did. Patiently waiting on me. "I can't."

I was defeated. The memories wouldn't stop flooding in. Every time I even thought about advancing in the present my past made me take so many steps back. So many, in fact, that I actually found myself walking backwards. Turning before my subconscious knew there was a door, I tried strutting out, but I'm sure it came off as the panicked jog that it truly was.

"_Yeah, run, because THAT'S what you do BEST!"_

"_I don't want to hear it, Rose!"_

"_YOU NEVER WANT TO HEAR IT JOHN!"_

And then a not so romantic memory. Was I turning into him?

**PAIGE BREAK. God I'm humorous**

It's my first day at work and I'm up to my ass in used tissues in my bed. Great! And I won't even be with Alex, which right now I'm rather grateful for. I just don't want anything to do with anyone at the moment. My phone rang for the bazillionth time as I sat up in bed, studying myself in the mirror. Straight, shoulder length blonde hair that was slightly longer in the front than in the back. Fashion, you know. Proper eye make-up ((liquid liner on top, stick on bottom, 3 different shades of pink eyeshadow, blush, and volume shocking mascara)), proper clothes ((white and light and dark pink Bermudas, light pink top, and a deep pink jacket over it)), and proper accessories ((golden 3 cm peace symbol necklace with matching studded earrings)). Just the picture of perfection was I ever. And then I thought of Alex. Long dark hair that waved in a sexy way, not disheveled. Sharp eyes with a hint of liner, glossed lips, wife beater ((with a black bra…which I completely admit to being a turn on)), baggy jeans that were tight to her lower hips, and topped off ((or rather, bottomed)) with scuffed up converse. Polar opposites? Externally, definitely. But inside…who knew?

I pulled my cell phone out from under my butt and let the robotic woman give me my message on speaker phone as I sat blankly staring at myself. Or at least, the shell of me.

"You. Have. One. Unheard. Message…First. Unheard. Message. Sent. Today. At. 2. Forty-three. PM.: Paige, it's Hazel. I'm coming over right after school. Don't bother disagreeing! I know you have work today and I over heard Jay and Alex get in a fight first period so I'm not so sure she'll be missing her shift tonight…" My face fell. There was NO way I could face Alex tonight! "…but anyway, Marco has some thing to do with some thing, whatever I don't know the details but the point is STAY PUT! I'll be at your house by 4:15, ok?...I love you, Paige…bye." That was the thing between Hazel and I—we never said I love you. Neither with my Mom, Dad, or anyone else special to me. Only to Marco and Dylan. For some reason, Hazel gets it: it's only said in dire circumstances. I guess this was one of them. I decided to text her to just come on in whenever she arrived as I fell back asleep, hoping that when I awoke this would all be some type of bad dream.

**PAIGE BREAK! Yep.**

Hazel had come over with the greatest known mixture alive: cheeze-its and Sunkist. She even went so far as to play with my hair and let me talk about everything that was going on in my bitter, bitter heart without so much as a "shut up that's stupid" or "I know that you told me already". She really listened and, as always, was such a great friend. But she was right about a lot of scary, scary things.

"_She's not __**her**__, you know."_

"_I know."_

"_And I'm pretty sure she's into you."_

"_Yeah, me too."_

"_And it would be completely rad if you maybe kinda sorta were honest with her about your feelings?"_

"…_did you just say completely rad?"_

She was right. I learned a long time ago that as long as you were upfront about your feelings right away with others, the let down was a lot easier. At least you would both know where you stood.

So here I am now walking in to work with no uniform and no rundown of the place. I don't know who's going to give me the grand explanation of things but I pray it's not Amy. Knowing her everything she'd tell me was wrong and I'd be fired on the spot. But when I got to the register, no one was there. I bent over and went so far as to walk around the concession, but not a single soul was currently residing behind it. I tried the back room, knocking first and hearing what sounded like a muffled, "Come in." As I opened the door, there was Alex and Amy in what appeared to be a verbal fight. Amy sneered at me as she looked me up and down. The hell did I do?

"Oh look, there she is now. I guess I'll leave you two _alone_ then." Don't get nervous, she's just a bitch. Don't get scared, she doesn't know. She immaturely stuck her tongue out at me as I rolled my eyes and she bumped me walking out the door. Now it was just Alex and I in the suddenly small yellow room refusing to meet each other's eyes. Alex was the first to break the silence as I stood there with my head down and my hands popping behind my back.

"I'm…I'm sorry, you know." Sorry? Why is she sorry? I looked up with the confusion apparent on my face.

"Sorry for what, Hun?" She met my eyes then and my breath caught in my throat. I felt as though I had never been more petrified in my life. If my body could move or even take in oxygen at that moment, it was completely unaware. Her tone was deep and gentle, but also sharp and to the point.

"I'm not really sure, but I saw the pain in your eyes today and if there was any part of it my fault I just…I want to help. I want to take it away. Your eyes are really pretty when they're shining." She blushed at the end as I had to pinch myself so I wouldn't literally swoon.

"I mean, uh, shining in the not teary way. Uh…" She looked anywhere but at me as she shuffled her feet and nearly bit a hole through her lip. Or, wait a second…

"You have a lip ring?" She looked up and smiled at me.

"Oh yeah. You saw that, huh?" She blushed again and looked seemingly bashful at my realization. I smiled and nodded in approval.

"Cute." She raised an eyebrow at me and I laughed slightly.

"I mean, um, how very, uh, bad ass of you?" She finally allowed herself a laugh as we both teetered nervously on the balls of our feet.

"Umm, well, I have to go to Jay's stupid race thing in 30 minutes, so I better give you the rundown of the place now." Ugh, Jay. I tried not to flinch at his name, I really really did, but Alex saw it and gulped with her realization.

"So umm, follow me?"

**PAIGE BREAK! This is fun (:**

After a very amusing rendition of "The Toronto Mall Movie Theatre Training" performed by Alex Nunez, the two of us stood laughing in an empty theatre she had just finished teaching me to clean.

"And we don't get the gooey stuff like semi-dry soda on the ground, by the way. We call in the janitors to do that."

"Then what are we for?"

"Umm…you know what? That's actually an excellent question." She said as we both laughed. She was reclining against the pole separating a row of chairs from a 5 foot drop to the floor in front of the screen. Ok, this is perfect timing. Just tell her she's attractive. Come on, you can do it! It's kind of like a band aide. Just say it really fast, let the fear and pain sink in for a second, and then you're good to go!

"Alex, I…I was wondering if I could just…Well if I could talk to you about something quickly." I realized I had her full attention. She was giving me that same look. The dare of concern. Now or never, Paige. Now or never.

"Of course. I'm honored you trust me." Oh I really wished she hadn't said that. The "T" word, _anything_ but the "T" word. She seemed to notice my changing facial expression at the word and immediately regretted her choice of words.

"I'm sorry, I'll listen without speaking. Consider me all ears." Why does she have to be so sweet about everything? And why does that wife beater have to hug her in all of the right places? I took in a deep breath as I leaned against a movie chair for support.

"Well, it's just that, I…" am completely scared and have never actually told a girl I had feelings for her before and damn it do you REALLY have to let your jeans sag so low?

"I just…" She's staring so patiently; waiting for me to get over my humongous fear. Like Hazel said, just say it. Quickly skim over it and poof! It never happened! Get denied, case closed, move on.

"Ok. I'm just going to say it. Alex, I-"

"ALEX! PAIGE! STOP MAKING OUT AND GET OUT HERE IT'S A FUCKING MAD HOUSE OUT HERE!"

No wait a second, I just want to pause and take note that this is REALLY happening in my life. Someone seriously is walking in at that one moment when I'm about to face my fears and jump head first into scary, scary love land. Seriously? Seriously. Sweet life.

Alex looked extremely apologetic and pissed off all at the same time.

"We're coming, Amy!" And then softer, "Looks like I'm staying for a bit after all. I'll just text the guys and tell them I can't make it on time…Now, you were saying something?" Of course I'm not going to finish it now! Wait. No, no, no, Alex! Not the look! You can't "the look" three times in one day! It's in the book of Lesbian. You can only "look" once, MAYBE twice a day, but never three times! That's just basic code, Hun. Just. Basic. Code.

A waved my hand around flippantly and gave a small laugh. "No, no! It's nothing, really. Forget I even said anything." As I turned to leave, though, she grabbed my arm and skillfully whipped me around without a moment's hesitation. We were only about a foot apart ((which for a crush is exceedingly close)) and she had not let go of my arm, causing my heart to pump a mixture of adrenaline and lust through my emotional system. She slowly pushed an invisible hair behind my ear and held my cheek, looking into my eyes. Ok, it's way too soon for this. I totally just met you, girl, get off of me!

"I…" Aww, she stammers too! Ok, you don't have to get off just yet, I changed my mind. Her eyes faltered as she seemed for the first time in the conversation to be self-conscious. After a moment of labored breathing on my part she met my eyes again which were full of…something. Something I couldn't pin point without getting scared.

"You're beautiful. Take it or leave it." Then she was gone and I was standing there, like an idiot, frozen to the side of the chair. It wasn't until people started filtering in that I realized I had been missing from the concession stand. Ah, shit!


	4. Black Roses Red

**Yeah so btw, in this story I never really specified that a lot of things were different from the exact plot line of Degrassi. Which I don't own! I only own my imagination's creation that is this fantastic story (: So here's something to update you all:**

**They're about one fourth into their junior year. Paige wasn't raped ((that sounds so impersonal, sorry ): )). On the show you always notice her over-active Mom and hardly any mention of her Dad, he just randomly decides to show up for explosive turkey in free fallin'?, so I decided that they had a super messy divorce in Paige's freshman year. Hazel is actually cool ((lol no offense to any Hazel lovers)) and she Paige and Marco are all BEST friends in the whole "cool crowd" clique. Marco and Dylan broke up but still are completely in love. Dylan is starting his first year at college just as planned. Paige is a closeted lesbian ((obviously)) but she did date Spinner for her sophomore year. She had a little fling in her freshman year with a certain someone we all know, but that's a secret for now ; feel free to keep guessing. ALEX lives in a nice house instead of her apartment, but her home life isn't good. It's different, it's complicated…but we'll get to that later. She's kind of a quiet girl who fits in with the bad ass group, but isn't much of one herself. And Paige is kind of timid, a little bit…I think I got all of the important details. Ok! Now enjoy :D**

**Oh yeah, and Tegan & Sara own. Thanks for noticing (:**

* * *

**Can I ask you a question please?**

**Promise you won't laugh at me**

**Honestly, I'm standing here afraid I'll be betrayed**

**As twisted as it seems, I only fear love when it's in my dreams**

**So let in the morning light and let the darkness fade away**

Dylan is my big brother. He's great at a lot of things that I'm not. Like sports, he's a super-dee-duper sports star! Hell, he got a scholarship off of sports alone! He's blonde haired and blue eyed, sweet, charismatic, smart…just the picture perfect Michalchuk. Only one "problem".

He's gay.

So whose shoulders is it on to be the back-up sibling? The number one perfect to Dylan's misfortunate number two? Yep, you guessed it. We were always the envy of the extended Michalchuk family until Dylan came out to everyone my 8th grade year. Perfect John, my Dad, has a flamer for a son! Well, that shook everyone up and successfully got us invited to less and less events. Then they realized this meant they were more perfect than us, so they dragged us along if nothing better than to gloat that THEIR children were 110 percent heterosexual. Dad always squeezed my shoulder and winked at me whenever his brothers or sisters would say anything degrading Dylan's sexuality. It was as if he was saying, "You're not him, Paigey. Prove them wrong for me. Let me beat them. I'm counting on you to be perfect." And perfect to him meant straight. How could I tell him then in those few moments where he actually paid the slightest bit of attention to me that I had a crush on my friend, who was a girl? How could I tell him that once I felt my real teenage hormones kicking in, testosterone was the last thing on my mind? Because, see, he smiled at me. He noticed me. He depended on me. I was actually being given the time of day in John Michalchuk's life. And nothing would ever talk me out of wanting that position. Nothing.

That naïve little girl still lives inside of me and, as much as I hate to admit it, is a lot of the reason I don't just come out of the closet already. Even if he is long gone and only calls on holidays and birthdays, I still feel as if I would be a colossal failure in his eyes. I could just hear him now, blaming my mother for their children's "disease".

Mom doesn't know. Only Dylan in the family knows. I don't know when I'll tell her. Maybe when she's actually home for a change I'll let it casually slide. Or maybe when she's not reminiscing about the good old days when she and Dad were in some sort of love. Or maybe I'll never tell her. Maybe Mom holds me to those expectations subconsciously. Maybe it's only ok to have a gay son, not a lesbian daughter.

I don't know how many times I've had this conversation in my head, but it never gets old. It's something I think of quite often. I act out scenes in my head of how my Mom or Dad could find out, some being intentional and some accidental. A lot of the times it's when I'm tuning out the teacher in class trying to feed us some incredibly "fascinating" piece of knowledge. Oh, what do you know, that's my current situation!

Kwan is lecturing us on something about "To Kill A Mockingbird". Luckily I read it for leisure last year so it's not difficult at all for me to fall asleep in lessons.

This morning I saw Alex and it gave me the same effect it has been for the past few days since my odd first day working at the theatre. We had worked together since then and spoken, sure, but there was this unwritten rule between us that stated we would talk as little as possible with hardly any eye contact whatsoever. Marco and Hazel say that apparently she's waiting on me to make the next move? But I'm highly curious as to what exactly they expect me to do while she has a boyfriend, I'm closeted, and oh!: I'VE NEVER TOLD A GIRL I LIKE HER BEFORE! Besides, I'm just intrigued by her. I can't just flat out tell her something I'm not even sure about. And since taking things slow is my middle name, I've been avoiding her as much as possible lately.

YES! THE BELL! GOD!

Finally, the last class of the day of a Friday. It's such a great feeling!...Well, that is until you ultimately realize you have work immediately after and have to see the object of your maybe-affection. Hmm…maybe if I hurry, I can get there before my shift starts and talk to her a little bit about what's been going on with me. Heh, she's pretty. And I…I don't know, I just want to get to know her. I'm kind of annoyed with my "get away from me even though I want to know you" act. Maybe she won't completely hate me…maybe?

As I walk through the ticket booth and towards the concession, I see her trying to single handedly take care of a line of little kids that are, of course, trying to pay her with coins from their piggy bank. Not that I'd ever admit this to just anyone, but my parents have an endless wallet, and I have a handy piece of plastic that handles any and all of my needs. And I'm a complete sucker for little kids. As I throw my work uniform over my head I step through the hip length swinging door and place my hand on Alex's back as I sidle up beside her. I try my best to ignore the small jolt I got and pretend not to notice her jump slightly. I smile and clap my hands together while bending over a bit to be more on their level.

"Guess what you guys? It's free candy today! So put your piggy banks away and tell Alex and I what you'd like!" Alex threw me a perplexed look as I whipped out my credit card and shook it a little for her to catch on. Before she could say anything, though, I was already grabbing anything and everything the kids wanted as quickly as possible before our real boss, Meeri, would see us. Alex smiled to herself as she watched me try and talk a certain determined young girl with pig tails out of buying her own soda and popcorn.

"Sweetie, it's free for you! I promise!" But she just wouldn't hear it!

"No! Tell me how much it is!" She frantically dug through her piggy bank as I sighed realizing there was no way I could fully win this battle.

"Alright, alright. Your total comes to…23 cents." Of course that was a complete lie, but she didn't have to know that. She was very determined to give me exact change so as she stuck out her tongue to the side in deep thought while she fished through her oversized piggy bank. I watched in amusement alongside Alex. Finally she handed me my well under priced total.

"Thank you, Honey. Enjoy your show!" She smiled at me and walked off along with the rest of her group. As I rang up the total I grimaced.

"Yeowch. We just might be hearing a few complaints from their parents. Who knew a group of kids could eat their way through 80 dollars of candy?" Alex chuckled as she watched me swipe my card.

"It seems like some kind of birthday party. They ALWAYS spend that much." I nodded and smiled as I placed the little girl's 23 cents into a jar of donations next to the cash register. Alex smirked in some type of…wonder at me. It made me feel important and special.

"So, why did you do that?" She asked curiously as I thanked my higher power that no one was around, so I could have that special talk with her in, hopefully, private.

I shrugged and gave a side smile as I turned to my side so we'd face each other, both leaning on the counter. "I absolutely adore kids and between you and me, I've got more than enough cash to pay for multiple groups of children's wishes. Besides, why not? Do you know how hard I worked to keep up with my piggy bank when I was young? It's a sacred treasure. No way was I going to take any of their money." Alex chuckled. "Yeah well, that one little girl wouldn't have that." I nodded and laughed along with her. "She was a determined one, wasn't she?" As the laughter died down Alex started picking at her nails as I inhaled and exhaled deeply.

"Umm, Alex?" She looked up at me and I felt a strange mix of anxious and calm. I crossed my fingers repeatedly, a nervous habit I seemed to have developed a long time ago, and bit my lip.

"Remember Monday, how I was going to tell you something?" I had her full attention again just like I had that day. She smiled at me kindly and nodded.

"Mhm, I sure do." She's very sweet I'm realizing. I like that.

"Well umm, ok, see…" Oh my God, this is really difficult! I think my lip is bleeding from how hard I'm chewing it and I can feel that oh so familiar panic rising in my chest. She seems to have noticed and inched slowly forward.

"Paige? It's ok, breathe. It's alright. Whatever it is, you can tell me. I promise." Wow, I just met this girl and already she's perfectly fine with whatever I have to tell her. I can't remember the last time someone genuinely reached out to comfort me like this. Or at least, someone outside of Marco, Dylan, and Hazel.

I nodded at her and looked into her eyes, which surprisingly calmed me down significantly. "If I tell you this, you have to promise not to say anything to anyone else." She nodded and narrowed her eyes in an attempt to focus even harder on what I was saying. Another deep breath. Annnnd…

"Ok so I secretly like girls and I think you're really pretty and sweet and funny and cute and I think I might like you but I don't know because I just met you and nobody except very few people know this about me and I'm trusting you with a lot right now but it's ok if you don't like me back or hell if you're straight that's ok I get it I just want to be friends with you and I think your hair's pretty." Whoa, one breath! …oh my God did I just say her hair is pretty??

She just stood there looking shocked and with each second that passed I could feel myself shrinking further and further back into guarded Paige land. Finally she smiled at me widely.

"I think your hair is pretty too." Shoot me now.

I slapped a hand to my face in an attempt to visualize my embarrassment for her. "God, Alex, I couldn't feel anymore stupid, believe me." She only smiled and pushed my hair behind my right ear.

"There's no need to feel stupid. I can't wait to get to know you. And your secret is safe with me." Her hand is now holding my cheek and I really, REALLY can't control myself as I slowly lean in and meet her lips with my own. As soon as I realize what I'm doing, though, I immediately pull back and throw my hands over my mouth in shock with my eyes wide and apologetic.

"Oh my God, Alex! I'm so sorry, you probably hate me now and, AGH! It's broad day light! Anyone could have seen us! SHIT!" She just looks completely amused by my reaction. How is this even funny?!

"This is so not funny! How are you smiling?!" Her smile only grew as she shrugged.

"Sorry, I'm still high on the fact that the most beautiful girl at Degrassi is interested in me and briefly kissed me." …most beautiful…girl? I couldn't stop the grin that surfaced even if I tried.

"Oh…thanks, Hun." She smiled at me and looked away bashfully.

"No problem."

The rest of the evening was strictly rated G between us, but that didn't stop her from inviting to give me a ride.

"No thanks, I've got my own car."

"You're sure? I could just umm…well we could drive around or something, just talk, you know? Then we could come back and get your car." She smiled as she reached out for my wrist and tugged lightly at it.

"Come on, I won't bite. Please?" Oh, really? Darn, those kinds of girls are always in my fantasies.

"Well…"

"Please Paige? Please?" She was practically begging me with an adorable over exaggerated pout. I rolled my eyes as I walked over to my car which was close to hers. She frowned and looked pathetically at the ground. I laughed a little as I took off my uniform and she looked up questionably.

"Calm down, Alex, I'm just putting my uniform and purse in the car." To this she let out a short choppy laugh and tossed her head back.

"Wow, really? Just because I roll with the stoners and bad asses doesn't mean I'm going to steal your money." I rolled my eyes as I sauntered over to her Ford Fusion waiting for her to unlock it.

"Please, Hun, you and I both know that's not what I was doing. Now open the door, it's cold out here!"

She just smirked and strutted over to her side of the car where she unlocked both of our doors. I climbed in and sat unsure of myself, looking around at her things. It was REALLY messy. She laughed at the face I must have subconsciously made.

"Yeah I know, I'm a slob. If it bugs you that much then clean it!" She meant it as a joke, but I was too nervous and happy to sit still. As she began reversing the car I unbuckled my seat belt and climbed into the back seat, sitting on her back pack and looking around in deep thought as to where I'd start. She let out a laugh of disbelief.

"You can't be serious? Paige, I was KIDDING." I waved my hand at her without bothering to look at her as if brushing her off completely.

"Hun, as Rihanna would say, shut up and drive. Princess Paige is going to help clean your car whether you like it or not. You should really think before you speak." She rolled her eyes and laughed as she put the car in drive and took off into unknown territory. I finally allowed myself a secretive side smirk as I sighed deeply, diving into her mess of a car.

* * *

"Oh my God, you can NOT be serious!" Alex and I were still driving and sharing ridiculous, random stories. Whatever came to our head we spoke about.

"I am! I AM!! And then Ellie turns to me and is like, 'Hey, where'd all of the lube go?' Priceless!"

"EWW!" We both were clutching our sides in laughter. Honestly I think a six pack will be in order at the rate we're going. I sighed with a giggle and she had a cemented smile on her face as she turned off the highway and onto another service road. I was almost done with her filthy car. We had stopped earlier behind a McDonald's to throw away all of her trash in the back lot's dumpster. I had insisted we keep Toronto, and her car, beautiful.

"So, Paige, can I ask you something?" Uh oh, laughter is halted. It sounded semi-serious. I gulped as I pretended to focus on separating Alex's homework sheets in their appropriate folders.

"Uh, sure Hun. Ask away." It was silent for a moment until, "Have you ever been with a girl before?" Shit fuck dammit GAH! I hate this question. Ok, well, technically I've never really been asked this question before. But I hate talking about _that_. I hate talking…I hate talking about _her_…I was only faintly aware of Alex saying my name repeatedly until my head bolted upright.

"What?! Oh! Oh you asked if umm, you asked if I've ever had a umm…a umm…well one of _those_ before…" She could immediately sense my discomfort. Half of me was screaming to just tell her, the other half yelling never to let a single soul ever know the pain of that relationship. Without realizing it I had begun to cry. Alex frantically switched between watching the road and me, a look of concern on her face.

"Paige? Oh, Paige, I'm so sorry. You don't have to answer, I'm really sorry!" I shook my head and attempted a sad smile, but it came off more as a grimace I'm sure. I wiped my tears away and noticed I recognized where we were—only about 20 minutes from my house.

"It's alright. I'm sorry, could you umm…could you take me home, please?" She made to make a U-turn back to the mall, but I placed a hand on her shoulder. She stopped and looked at me through the rear view mirror.

"Umm, don't you want to go get your car first? It's still at the mall, remember?" I shrugged and gave her a meek smile.

"No, straight to my house please. Besides, that gives me an excuse to see you tomorrow." I do believe this counts as flirting. I can't wait to tell Hazel and Marco about this! She blushed and my smile grew as I gave a small laugh. It was quiet in the car as we continued our way to my house. With every silent minute I was getting more and more panicky. She pressed the volume button for the radio to come on. Apparently it was on her iTunes playlist as a familiar song burst through her speakers.

"Alana Grace." I stated.

"What?"

"Oh, Black Roses Red. I like this song." She just nodded and smiled apologetically at me as she lowered the volume just enough to where if one of us spoke, the other would hear it. I finally got the courage to speak to her when I knew there was only one more minute until we pulled up to my house.

"She was my best friend, and then more than that, and then nothing. She broke my heart, she was my first love, and she made sure that I hated everything about my sexuality by the time it was over. Everything about myself…She was against the world but felt it necessary to explore its evils. I was more than willing to stand by her side as she hated life. More than willing to fall for her. Because when you're looking into the one you love's eyes being so vulnerable and naïve, all you see is yourself. You conveniently skip over the lack of emotion in her voice after a while when she tells you she loves you. You ignore her attention to other boys. You choose to forget about the things she says about you behind your back. Because you love her. And you'll do anything for her…And she'd do anything to forget about you…" We had pulled up to my house as soon as I had finished, convenient for me. But for some reason I couldn't budge. As I looked at the back of Alex's side, I felt my lips pulling me forward again. My brain was mildly aware that this was so not the time, and my heart felt like it was in my throat, but my lips had an indescribable need to be up against something. Up against her.

I gently lifted my right hand and firmly held the side of her neck/shoulder as I pressed my lips against her cheek. I felt tears leak out of the corner of my eyes again. I had no clue why I was crying, but the emotion was just flowing out of me. All of my secrets I was spilling out in front of my house, where my Mom could come walking out. And this girl! I just met her only a week ago today and I already told her things I've been hiding from the world. And I'm kissing her cheek and she's letting me and my head is spinning with feelings and I'm so overwhelmed that I can't see straight. She had turned her head and noticed my eyes fluttering shut in an attempt to remain upright. She took my head in her hands and kissed me timidly on the lips with too much love for me to handle. I pulled back as I released a muffled sob.

"I, I'm sorry. I can't. I'm terrified. Goodnight Alex."

And that's where I left her. Yes, I did see my mother sitting with a bottle of wine as she slurred determined jeopardy answers at the TV. Yes, I saw that I had missed calls from Hazel. Yes, I did understand that she kissed me back.

But honestly? I couldn't care less. My heart hurts like hell.


	5. Half Alive

**And I was trying to disappear**

**But you've got me wrapped around you, I can hardly breathe without you**

**I was trying to disappear**

**But I got lost in your eyes now, you brought me down to size now**

"So your brother and I had a talk." Marco said gleefully as he went through my closet. Hazel and I were curled up next to each other watching "The Paper" on MTV.

Once Marco and Hazel found out that I was to see Alex today they both ran over to my house. Well, Marco ran, Hazel was still asleep so she was more like dragged.

"Cool." I responded despondently. As he went on and on about their pointless conversation Hazel asked lazily, "So, are you going to kiss her?" At this point we were both pointing out weird shapes on my ceiling. We were throwing popcorn in the air for each other to catch, but hardly any got in our mouth because we were too tired to move more than our head.

"I already did that last night." Marco squealed and jumped on the bed above Hazel and I causing us to ram into each other with each spring.

"Oh my gosh oh my gosh OH MY GOSH!! Paige why didn't you tell us!!" Hazel groaned and rolled over snuggling next to me.

"Tell me when he stops being a drama queen…" She mumbled into my neck. I laughed and nodded.

"Right, because that'll ever happen." Marco was too excited to even care that we were making fun of him right under his nose, literally.

"Ok you have to give me FULL details, like, NOW!" I laughed lightly and threw a hand over my face as I tried to rub off my sleep.

"Umm well I kind of kissed her more than once, so…"

"OWW OWW!" Hazel suddenly screamed as she slapped me on the side. Marco and I laughed at her sudden input to the conversation.

"Well was it totally hott?" He asked excitedly. I scrunched up my nose in thought and ran a dejected hand through my hair.

"Well actually…it was kind of…sad." Marco's confusion was written all over his face as his shoulders slumped. Hazel sat up propping her head up with one hand and leaning over me.

"Sad? Like pathetic or apathetic?"

"Sad like emotionally painful. It wasn't any more then a few light pecks, though, so I can't really dish on whether or not she was a good kisser." My two friends nodded dumbly as I let the sentence hang in the air for what it was. I figured I owed it to them to give them a few more details though, and I found as I remembered our first brief kiss I was smiling. Marco noticed and wiggled his eyebrows.

"Ooo, what is this I see? A SMILE, Michalchuk?" I rolled my eyes and swatted him with a pillow while leaning forward and stretching.

"I have to get going soon, she said she'd come get me at 2." I bid them both farewell and headed upstairs to my room to wait. I went to my bench window seat and let my head hit the cool glass.

"Too fast, too fast…" I muttered to myself in thought. And it was true. I know this is infatuation. What with these nerves and this headache and the way my breath hitches when she leans into me.

"It's ok, Paige. It's alright. Just take things slow, like friends normally would. Stay on the surface." As I kept repeating such words I saw the familiar maroon car pull up in my driveway. I unhooked the latch on the window and raised myself to my knees as I bent over to get a better look at her.

"Alex!" I called out. She jumped a bit as she shut her car door, hearing me and looking around searching for the source of the voice she heard. When our eyes met we both smiled in content.

"Are you feeling like quoting Shakespeare this afternoon, Paige? Because I'll have you know I have the entire balcony seen memorized." I shook my head while smiling letting my hair flip lazily around my face, tickling my chin and lightly grazing my shoulders.

"Not at all; just a more interesting greeting. I'll be right down." I lightly skipped through the house until I was outside at the front door opening it and shutting it behind me. When we caught better sight of each other we both laughed—we were both wearing out letterman jackets. Mine for cheering, hers for lacrosse.

"Guess we're both sports girls." She stated while backing up to open the car door for me. I smiled as I walked passed her, shrugging.

"Guess so." As she walked around the car she ran her hand along the outside as if letting me know she hadn't left me and didn't intend on it. When she got back in and started the car we both let the silence wrap around us. But not for long.

"Nice car. Bet mine drives better." I said smugly. Alex gave me an incredulous look.

"Psh, doubt that! You're riding around in a little jeep. My baby's got the goods. He delivers."

"What's his name?"

"Adam."

I looked at her unsatisfied. "…Adam?"

"Yeah. It's a ford fusion, fusion is a part of matter, in matter there are atoms. Adam…duh." She added the end as if anyone would have been able to make the connection. What a weirdo…it's cute.

"Right. Because anyone would understand that automatically." I said sarcastically. She laughed. "Exactly!" We both laughed until the radio was playing some ridiculous Nelly Furtado song. I scrunched up my face in disgust.

"Eww. Don't tell me you like this stuff?" Alex looked at me and started swaying her body a little to the beat.

"What? A little Nelly won't hurt." I rolled my eyes and leaned over to change the station. My hand was quickly slapped away. Rude! I withdrew it with my mouth ajar rubbing it in over exaggeration.

"Jesus, woman! Calm down!" She pointed a finger at me with one hand while steering with the other.

"NOBODY, touches my radio." She sternly scolded. I crossed my arms across my chest defiantly.

"Well nobody listens to that crap while I'm gracing them with my presence." She laughed a little in disbelief at my arrogance. "Ok, ok, geez princess," she turned off the radio, "have it your way." I smiled at her and relaxed back into my seat. "Tell me about yourself." I stated simply. She smiled at me and gave a quick glance while keeping her main focus on the road.

"Why?"

"Because I'm always babbling away about myself and my feelings. I'd like to hear more about you." She paused for a moment and I let myself observe her. Her long black hair in relaxed curls, her tight jeans mixed with her over sized letterman jacket, her barely there lip gloss. She was absolutely intriguing from head to toe. I couldn't wait to hear her speak.

"My name's Alex, I like long moonlit walks on the beach…" I scoffed and lightly hit her arm as she laughed at my reaction.

"Seriously, silly, I really want to know!" She nodded while licking the smile from her lips.

"Well what do you want to know?" This girl was such a mystery. I shrugged and let my eyes guide themselves to passing street signs and rushing cars.

"I don't know; anything you feel you want to tell me." A few stiff minutes passed where I knew she was mulling things over. I let them linger, knowing it was a good idea to let her talk at her own pace. That was something I was noticing more about Alex. She was a listener, not a talker.

Out of nowhere I heard her voice come out steady and somewhat monotone. "I learned to ride a bike when I was seven. I've never felt a kiss before. My best friend is the majority of why I wake up in the mornings. When it rains it reminds me of the way my cousins and I would draw sidewalk chalk towns only to have them wash away, and how those were the days when that was the hardest thing to deal with. I think zebra cakes were put on this earth to remind me I love my life. I let a red balloon go at my grandfather's funeral, but I wouldn't touch him in the casket. I couldn't tell you what my father looks like anymore, and I couldn't tell you where my mom is. My heroes are generally under the age of 5. When I bowl I throw the ball so high that when it lands you could swear I'm going to break the ground, and I slip on the floor at least once a round. I wish carefully on stars and I believe everything I look at that's beautiful knows that I feel that way about it." …wow. I turn my head slowly back to her and realize she's only slightly gripping the wheel, her attention still on the road. Before I can find my voice she interrupts with, "…and the first time I thought I was bisexual was in the 9th grade." So she is into me then? Or I mean, this wouldn't be her first katy perry moment. She did kiss me back last night, once even on her own. This…this can't be happening.

We just sat there in the car, with no air on other than a dull wave of heat to fight off the sharp air of Toronto. It was as if we were in an egg that was cracking with each passing day, and being in the low hum of traffic with nothingness floating in between us was nauseating and intense.

"Cheeze-its and Sunkist." Alex's mouth twitched upward as her nose wrinkled in confusion.

"Huh?" I let a low laugh and breathy sigh escape my mouth.

"Cheeze-its and Sunkist. You said zebra cakes were what made you remember you love life. For me it's cheeze-its and Sunkist."

She gave a satisfied nod at my response.

"Sounds tasty. I'll have to remember that." I smiled realizing that we were flirting again. She has a boyfriend though, and after all that's happened to me, I would never be 'that' girl in someone else's relationship. Should I mention it?...ah what the hell, why not.

"So…you and Jay…" I remark, letting it hang in the air as her responsibility. She gave a deep sigh and nodded with a tight frown on her face.

"Me and Jay…Jay and I…" I'm not sure I like where this conversation is headed. But who else can I blame? I started it.

"Well look hon, just tell me to back off and I will. And I'm the type of girl who recognizes that when someone's taken, they're taken. Whether by the heart or not. Together is together." Now she really didn't seem happy. She ran her tongue over her teeth slowly as we pulled into the mall parking lot. I remained looking at her tensely waiting for a response that didn't seem like it would ever come. When we pulled up a few spots away from my car, I thought she'd say something.

"Well…" I said waiting for her to make a move. She just continued sitting there, staring out the windshield seeing something much farther and thought provoking than the SUV in front of us. I nodded slowly as to not interrupt her thought process, albeit I was somewhat frustrated with the way she was acting. I subconsciously put my hair behind my ear and turned to get out of the car, letting my hand pull on the door handle. "I guess I'll just…" But I was stopped by Alex reaching across me and yanking the door shut. Her body was leaning against mine, her arm covering me like a seatbelt, her breath warm on my shoulder. I was too nervous to turn my head and meet her. The tension and nerves were so thick that it was getting hard to think. I could hear her lick her lips cautiously and felt her gently place a kiss to the side of my head. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding.

"Jay and I…aren't that serious…"

"_You sure this is ok?"_

"_Of course, why wouldn't it be?"_

"_Well, I'd heard stuff about you and Paige, and I didn't…"_

"_Stuff? So? Degrassi's all about rumors. You should know that."_

"_I know, but…"_

"_Look, Paige and I…there was something there once, but that was just a phase. SHE was just a phase. And besides, I like you…"_

"…_I like you too. I always have."_

"_Same here."_

"_And Paige?"_

"…_Paige was just someone to hold me through the night while I dreamt of you."_

Infuriated with my mixed emotions, I turned further from her, practically glued to the side of her car. She pulled back a bit, but I noticed her arm moved to hold me in place rather than just rest over me casually. I wonder if she meant to do that or if it was just a natural reaction? Either way, I didn't stop her.

"Alex I know what it's like to be the cheat-ee. It's not fun, not at all, and…if he's in love with you, or hell, if he even LIKES you…I don't want to play any part in his heart break, ok?" Her breath stopped and then slowly began to come out more rhythmically again. After a few minutes of this I felt her nod and remove herself from me. I didn't know if I was relieved or sad about it.

"I…understand." I turned slightly so I could see her face for the first time in a good ten minutes. It looked blank, as if someone had taken an emotional eraser and rubbed it all over her features. We sat there for a little while longer until I ran a dejected hand through my blonde hair.

"I guess I better get going then." She nodded and got out, walking around the car, still running her hand along it as she moved. She opened the door for me and walked me to my car. I paused to fish through my purse and find my keys. In the meantime she stood awkwardly with her hands in her jacket pockets and bouncing around nervously as if she couldn't stand herself any longer. I let myself giggle a bit. Her head snapped in my direction as she froze mid bounce and smiled nervously.

"I'm fidgeting, aren't I?" She asked with a charming half smile. I nodded, running my hand repeatedly through my hair, trying to fight the wind's attempts at messing it up and ruining my lip gloss. She let out a deep laugh and sprung into the air looking at her surroundings then back to me. Her smile slowly faded into a smirk as she leaned in to embrace me. I sighed into the hug and let my arms wrap around her neck as hers fit perfectly around my midsection down to my lower back. She squeezed a bit tighter as we relaxed into it and we tried to ignore the fact that this was way more than just a 'friend' hug. She quickly pulled away and kissed my cheek, taking my hands in hers and looking into my eyes seriously.

"I'm going to figure this out." I nodded and fought the urge to lean in and kiss her. My lips had a mind of their own around Alex, always wanting to be best friends with hers. I bit them as a means to scold them.

"I'll be here." She scanned me then in a comfortable way. A kind of memorization tactic just in case something went awry in the plans I could already see churning in her mind. She then nodded sharply and inhaled deeply.

"Alright, well, I'll see you Monday." I nodded back, wrapping myself up tightly in my letterman.

"See ya." I responded softly. I could tell that got to her as she looked at me with a pained expression as if saying 'don't be so sweet, it's hard for me not to love you'. I loved it and hated it all at once. She began walking backwards towards her car. I watched her until she was standing in front of her car door. I gave a light wave at her and small smile, which she returned. It was then as she drove away that I felt overwhelmed with a worry I wasn't ready to analyze. Alex Nunez was falling for me, and I, Paige Michalchuk, had already fallen for her.


End file.
